(Kosher Parve) Bazooka

Flavor: I don't speak Hebrew, but based on the comic strip that's wrapped around this piece of gum and that says in big English bubble letters "Bazooka Joe," I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this is Bazooka bubble gum. It tastes like it, anyhow-- simple, classic. It's sugar and gum base, sweet and bubblegummy. We had a request a while back from readers who were looking for kosher gum. This one was in the kosher section of our local supermarket, and it's as good as gum gets-- it's Bazooka, for crying out loud.

Texture: Come on, close your eyes and remember-- it's hard at first, then soft and grainy like a gob composed of lots of very fine sugar, and then it's hard as a rock and basically flavorless after about five minutes chewing. Also, it sort of sticks to caps (an observation I admittedly didn't have as a child, with all my baby teeth intact). Aaah, five cent childhood, how sweet you are.

Presentation: It looks just like you remember it, too. Red, blue and white paper folded along with an (presumably amusing) comic strip starring good ol' Bazooka Joe, around a brick-hard pink block of gum. The comics were never really funny, I don't recall ever quite laughing out loud. But who knows... maybe this one is side-splitting. I'll tell you what-- if anyone can translate this comic strip, I'll send you a whole bunch of kosher gum as a thank you.

Overall: I don't think I'd ever pick up a piece of Bazooka just for kicks anymore. But it sure was nice to pick up this kosher parve piece and make sure that it was indeed true to the classic original we all know and love.

Rating: ooooo (five gumballs) What did you expect? It's Bazooka.

Bazooka Bubble Juice Bubblegum Nuggets Slammin' Blue Raspberry

Flavor: Bazooka lovers out there, do not be fooled-- Bubble Juice is not for you! Ladies and gentlemen, the creators of the tame, sugary block of bubblegum wrapped in punny comic strips present to the facebook generation a fresh new burst of blue raspberry zing to match the other crazy gums out there on the market today. Has Bazooka Joe sold out? Or has he just adapted to the sour, sweet and neat innovations that many gums offer today? This gum will, like Hubba Bubba or Bubblicious, knock your socks off upon first mouthful, an overwhelming surge of sour blue raspberry goodness that fades almost as quickly as the texture hardens to a barely malleable hunk of rubber. But come on, who said gum was about a lasting chew? Kids aren't buying Bubble Juice because they're looking to keep their breath fresh throughout the duration of a date or a business meeting. They're buying it because it's fun-- and this flavor is as fun as the packaging. Plus, I fear it might induce seizures or something if the flavor lasted for much longer than it does.

Texture: This gum, although marketed as "juice," is a bunch of blue pebbles that resemble the rocks at the bottom of a fish tank. Much like its predecessor Big League Chew, it's fun for kids to chew-- we had contests when we were kids for who could stuff the most "chew" into their cheeks without gagging. I can imagine a really cool kid someplace who brags about being able to pour a whole bag of Bazooka Bubble Juice into his mouth. The gum hardens up almost immediately, as I've said, but who cares. Oh, and P.S.-- it blows a pretty slammin' bubble.

Presentation: So, I'm a little confused about the gimmick here, but for some reason I'm not too bothered by the inconsistency. It's supposed to be bubble juice-- it comes in a little Capri Sun-like pouch and there are pink droplets bursting out of the logo. But inside the pouch, there are... rocks. I feel like I've seen plenty of goo-like gums, tubes of gum, bottles of gum liquid that solidify upon chewing, that I'm not sure why the rocks are necessary here. They could be totally re-marketed and sold in pales, "Rockin' Gum Rocks!" or "Poppin' Pebbles!" It's got a lot of potential, and I think the "juice" was sort of a cop-out. I'd be kind of disappointed if I were a kid and opened it up to find a bunch of fish tank rocks. But then... you can pour them into your mouth like juice. I suppose I'll let it pass.

Overall: Conscientious parents be warned, although I guess it's pretty obvious-- Bubble Juice will most definitely rot the teeth out of your child's mouth. But... look at my tongue! As far as I can remember, anything that turned your tongue this color was definitely a must-have for kids under twelve (and oftentimes, over twelve). If you'll excuse me, I need to spit out this disgusting gob of rubber and drink some more JUICE!

Rating: oooo (four gumballs)