Extra Sour Cry Baby Bubble Gum

Flavor: A colleague brought me a handful of individually wrapped gumballs from his stash at home to review (thanks, Matt!), and I was surprised to discover that there's an audience out there for this gum other than ten year old kids competing with these and Warheads on the playground. When I commented on this peculiarity, he said matter-of-factly, "When I do something, I go all the way." And boy, does he ever. I chose the red as the first to review, and the first ten seconds of chewing were super intense, mildly cherry flavored, but mostly super sour sugary yowee zowee, oh man, holy cow-- and then it was over, just like that, the electric sensation vanishing away, becoming your ordinary blob of Dubble Bubble. Next up was the orange. Much more sour, but also much more delicious, tasting a lot more like an actual orange than the red tasted like cherry. Upon chewing the yellow gumball, I began to sweat. Much like the cherry, the yellow gumball lacks an individual flavor, but is just as shocking. In the interest of my health, I'm going to try the other two flavors at a later date and report back in a comment. I think I just felt a cavity form. Maybe two.

Texture: Oh, it's awful, so awfully, awfully, terribly good. All the flavor is in the powder, and you can feel its chalky goodness between your teeth for the first ten seconds. Then, much like the flavor, the texture calms into the texture of, you guessed it, Dubble Bubble. Upon my third gumball, though, the chalky goodness became a beast unto itself-- soon my teeth started squeaking while I was chewing, and I'm not talking your average rubber-gum squeak, it was a weird fingernails-on-chalkboard kind of squeak. Once the gum was out of my mouth for good, it felt like my teeth were completely stripped of enamel and the inside of my cheeks had a layer of tissue shorn from them. Ah, childhood.

Presentation: It's your standard jug-o-sugar packaging, clear plastic outside and neon goodness on the inside. I was unaware until now that Dubble Bubble is actually printed on the label of this gum, which explains the similarities in the base. What I think I like most about the packaging, though, is that this is Extra Sour Cry Baby Bubble Gum. As if someone chewed the original and said something like, "I said I wanted to go all the way. Take it up a notch."

Overall: If you're looking to just, you know, chew some gum after a meal, or freshen your breath, or satisfy that sweet tooth, read on and find some other gum in our blog to sample. But if you're looking to take it to the next level, pop five of these suckers in your mouth without taking a drink of water. I dare you. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go brush the remainder of my teeth. Twice.

Rating: ooooo (five gumballs)